The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart
by Ivy Evangeline
Summary: Lockhart's an (extremely snobby) second year at Hogwarts, and Lily, James, Snape, and friends must band together to put him in his place once and for all! From Lockhart's POV. Please R&R.
1. Default Chapter

The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own or claim to own the Harry Potter characters or any of J.K. Rowling's work. However I do claim this piece of Fan Fiction, "The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart," as my own ideas and work.  
  
A/N: Hey everyone! Please tell me what you think of this story from Gilderoy Lockhart's POV. FYI, I don't necessarily agree with what Lockhart says- I don't think that Ravenclaws are studious freaks, or Gryffindors are brainless! It's just Lockhart- snobby, conceited Lockhart and his snobby, conceited mind. Enjoy! ; )  
  
Chapter One: The Most Popular and Successful  
  
My name is Gilderoy M. Lockhart.  
No autographs now, please.  
I'm twelve years old and attending my second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Exciting, no? It is, especially since I am the envy of the entire second year for my good looks and charms.  
Those who aren't envious of me have clearly lost their minds. Because of this, a large portion of my year could be considered insane.  
No matter, really. Universal popularity doesn't keep me from being modest and working towards my goal- becoming an internationally famous wizard whose name is known in every household, all over the globe.  
I don't know what I'll do to be famous. I'm still working on that.  
~*~  
I'm now at the sorting ceremony for the new first years. It's a waste of time, really, because I could be up in my Hufflepuff dormitory practicing my smile. I drum my fingers loudly on the tabletop, then create a song to go along with the percussion. The prefects shoot looks at me, telling me to shut up.  
They're just jealous.  
A girl with flaming red hair comes to the sorting hat. "Evans, Lily," Professor McGonagall says her name is.  
She's quite good looking, but not as good looking as me. Evans is sorted into Gryffindor.  
Lupin, Remus is sorted not long after. He looks pale and sickly. Probably a loser, I think to myself.  
He is sorted into Gryffindor also.  
Potter, James is called up next. His hair really is atrocious. Maybe I should offer him some of Gilderoy Lockhart's Extra-Strength Hair Gel. Potter goes to the Gryffindor table, sitting between Lupin, Remus and Evans, Lily. A boy across from him ( Whom I vaguely recall as being "Black, Sirius,") jumps up and down wildly. I shoot him a death glare, which he returns to me easily.  
He must be a loser also.  
I zone out for the next few sortings. Then I see a greasy-haired boy come to the hat. "Snape, Severus!" McGonagall calls. His hair is nearly as atrocious as Potter's. He needs Gilderoy Lockhart's Oil-Controlling Shampoo and Conditioner, to say the least.  
The Sorting finally ends. This new bunch of first-years isn't very promising, I think to myself. But that's no matter. Nothing Gilderoy-Lockhart's "It's A New You!" Potion can't fix.  
~*~  
I'm in the library filing my nails when a group of said first years enters. It's Evans, Potter, Snape, and a Ravenclaw I don't know. They must be doing a group project.  
Oh great, I groan. I can't be near them, they'll spoil my image.  
'Not if you can help them first!' a voice in the back of my brain calls. I agree with it and walk up to the first years.  
"Allow me to introduce myself," I drawl, sounding very much like Lucious Malfoy, a seventh-year Slytherin. "I'm Gilderoy M. Lockhart, the most-"  
"Excuse me, Mr. Gilderoy M. Lockhart," Lily Evans says. "We're very busy, and we need to finish this assignment by tomorrow if we want to get full marks."  
"Never mind full marks, I just want to get out of this library!" Snape says.  
"Believe me, Snivellous, I am less than thrilled to be here also," Potter responds.  
"Stop fighting! If I research, Lily organizes, Potter writes, and Snape revises, we can get this in on time!" The Ravenclaw desperately explains. Studious freaks, the bunch of them.  
"Before I was so rudely interrupted," I continue, "I was going to say that I am Gilderoy M. Lockhart, the most popular and successful student in this school, and I can help the lot of you" - I look them over- "become popular and successful just like me." I beam at them with a grin that shows all my teeth. "Of course, it might take a while, perhaps a year or so for you to reach full potential-"  
"And we're really pressed for time now, thank you," Evans says. Stupid Gryffindors, bravery leaves no room for any thought or common sense.  
"You can go away now," Snape says.  
"Ah yes, one of the many things I can help you with is how to subtly get a point across, or how to instantly make a crowd of people like you! And-" - I disdainfully look Potter and Snape over- "I've created a full line of hair-care products for people like you-"  
"There's nothing wrong with us!" Snape yells, infuriated.  
"Recognizing the truth is the first step to acceptance, and without acceptance you can never improve, Mr. Snape. You see-"  
"Gilderoy Lockhart!" Madam Pince screeches behind me. "Kindly return to your seat!"  
The first years shoot death glares at me. I don't think they like me at all. 


	2. My List of Enemies

Chapter Two- My List of Enemies  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own or claim to own the Harry Potter characters or any of J.K. Rowling's work. However I do claim this piece of Fan Fiction, "The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart," as my own ideas and work.  
  
~*~  
Back at my table, filing my nails again, I listen to the snotty first- years talking, maybe about someone they know but don't like.  
"The stuck-up git, we don't need his help! Who does he think he is, anyway?" Potter asks.  
"He acts like he's Head Boy! A snobby, rude head boy!" Lily shrieks.  
"Even though I hate to agree with Gryffindors on any point, Evans is right."Snape drawls.  
"If he hadn't interrupted us, we'd have had enough time," The Ravenclaw whines. "Oh, I'd like to knock the living daylights out of him-"  
"Listen," Potter says. "We need to get this done. We can worry about the git tomorrow. I'm sure-"he pauses for a second, deep in thought,"That we can come up with something to make his ego deflate at least a tad."  
I don't like the way his eyes glint mischievously. Seriously, pranks have no style at all. If he wants to get revenge on someone, he should do it the fashionable, sensible, practical way. The Lockhart way.  
I need to offer him some more help.  
~*~  
I don't think my offer went over well.  
I'm currently in my dormitory, curling my lovely blond hair, and drawing up a list of my enemies.  
Potter, James, I add first to the list.  
Snape, Severus comes in second.  
Evans, Lily is third.  
Davids, Julia, the studious freak of a Ravenclaw, is next.  
Then comes Black, Sirius, the boy who glared at me at the Sorting, and who also dumped ink on my hair and cut chunks of it off last week. He is the worst enemy of all; to Gilderoy Lockhart, even touching the hair is considered a mortal sin.  
Professor Dumbledore was able to fix it, and Black got two days of detention cooking with the House-Elves. But it's not a good enough punishment for the hyperactive freak he is.  
I scratch his name off the bottom of the list and add it to the top.  
I then add Lupin, Remus, because he hangs around with the Hyperactive Freak, whom I shall no longer call by his proper name.  
There. My list is complete. Now on to bigger and better plots.  
~*~  
This is what happened when I went to the first years a third time to offer my help. I had decided that, even though they were my enemies, I could still offer my assistance.  
I approached them while they were hanging around the Potions dungeons, talking once again about their project. Their conversation went like this:  
"Potter, you know very well that I am less than thrilled that we have been paired together, but if you would at least act mature for ten minutes while we research in the library we can get this over with and I'll never have to look at your slimy face again!" Evans shrieked.  
"Why is everyone so against me?" Potter yelled back.  
"I agree with Evans on this one, as much as I hate to say it, but the Mudblood is correct."(This statement earned Snape a whack over the head from Potter.)  
"Excuse me,"I said, beaming at the first years, earning me a glare from the Ravenclaw ( I think she likes me) "But it sounds as if you're having some troubles amongst yourselves. Maybe you could take me up on my offer for a Gilderoy-Lockhart's Inter-House Counseling Session in Hogsmeade this weekend-"  
"NO!" All four of them shouted.  
"Well, excuuuuse me," I said. "I also noticed, when I overheard your delightful conversation in the library the other day, that you seem to be having trouble with some outside party also. Seems you think he's a tad big- headed. With my offer, I can help you get back at him, which you obviously so want to do."  
"We were talking about you!"Potter shouted. Evans clamped a hand over his mouth, a smile dancing on her lips. I didn't like that at all.  
"What Potter was saying, "she responded coolly, "Was that you probably don't know the person we're having troubles with, and we would be glad to accept your offer to help us put him back in his place."  
The entire group stared at her with wide eyes and astonished expressions.  
"Splendid!" I cried. "I'm glad to say I've finally met a Gryffindor with an ounce of common sense! I'll meet you in the Great Hall after lunch to help work out the plans, no?"  
The first years stared at me in shock, all except Evans, who had a smug smile on her face.  
"Yes, let's,"she replies. "Come on now, Potter, Snape, Julia. We have work to do,"she calls, beckoning to her friends. "I'll explain later,"she hissed into a bewildered Julia's ear.  
But I didn't really notice the sly smiles appearing on the first- year's faces. I was too busy wondering what kind of spells I could teach them for getting revenge on their enemy, whoever he may be.  
Maybe it's Black, Sirius.  
No, I think, he's friends with them. The same with Lupin, Remus.  
Maybe it's the Headmaster! Oh, goody! I'd love to put a good hex on him for giving me a week's detention after finding me cutting class so that I could practice my smiling charm in the bathroom.  
Whoever it is, I think to myself, once Gilderoy Lockhart is through with them, they'll never be the same again. 


	3. Marvelous Me

Chapter Three  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own or claim to own the Harry Potter characters or any of J.K. Rowling's work. However I do claim this piece of Fan Fiction, "The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart," as my own ideas and work.  
  
~*~  
I stand outside the Great Hall, waiting for the first-years. I hear them approach. They're talking amongst themselves, obviously not aware that I'm just around the corner.  
"No wonder the Hufflepuffs are all loony, they've been hanging around him too long," Potter says.  
"He gives all of them a bad name!"Julia cries.  
"Be quiet," Evans says. "He's obviously too dense to figure out he's the one we're having troubles with, so we can use that to our advantage! We'll trick him into getting himself!"  
Wow. This is the first time I've ever seen Slytherins and Gryffindors agree. It's so nice to know I've brought unity to two troublesome houses. Another job well performed by Gilderoy Lockhart!  
"Hello," I say, and the first years jump.  
"Hi, "Evans says. "Listen, we don't have much time, so let's get this straight. You'll help us put this guy back into place?"  
"Yes," I beam. "What do you need me to do?"  
Potter, Snape, and Davids exchange worried glances. Evans, however, seems to have already come up with an idea of her own.  
"We need you to get and item the empty storage room on the fourth floor," Evans tells me.  
"Oh yeah!" Snape says.  
"In the very back of the storage room, to the left," Evans whispers, as if she doesn't want any passerby to hear,"There's something very, very secret there. Wait-" she stops and turns around, "I don't know if we can trust him, guys. What do you think?"  
Potter and the Ravenclaw seem completely lost. Snape, however, says:  
"I think we can. There's a very, very secret item there. We need you to get it for us, since it's probably protected by all sorts of spells and enchantments that we, as first years, haven't even learned yet!"  
"I'm touched,"I say, blushing. "Of course I will. What does it look like? And once I get it, how will I get it to you?"  
Evans says, "Don't worry about that. But the item is a mirror. A very large, old mirror."  
I look confused for a second, and I see Evans' smile falter. But then I say, brightly:  
"Ah yes! I see! You don't have to tell me why you need the mirror, I understand completely if you don't want to divulge your plans...but I'll do it, if it will help poor little first years. Yes, I'll do it. Goodbye now!" I wave as they hurry away, giggling and chatting amongst themselves.  
I'm lucky they're so ignorant.  
~*~  
  
It's now ten to midnight. I'm wandering the halls, looking for the deserted storage room. I run into the Bloody Baron several times, but otherwise don't run into any teachers.  
Finally, I see the door, open slightly for my convenience. I run to it and slide it open easily.  
Inside, I immediately regret that I didn't bring my wand, for the room is pitch black and smothered in dust. But then a torch flares up next to me, and I see the room is filled with textbooks, furniture, and other magical items I don't recognize.  
Squinting, I can barely make out a tall object in the back left corner. I move cautiously towards it, stumbling over a spare desk on the way. Finally, I'm right next to the mirror- but it's facing the wall. I drag it so it faces me, all the time wondering how I'll ever get it out- I'll have to go back to the dormitory for my wand, at the very least.  
It's a tall and handsome mirror, but it's faded and covered in dust. At the top I see inscribed writing: Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi. Funny language, I think to myself. Probably Spanish. Then my eyes travel downwards so that I see my reflection, and I let out a gasp.  
It's me! Marvelous, marvelous me!  
It's me, only my hair is shinier and curlier, I have piles of Galleons around me, the entire world is in the background, screaming, "Gilderoy! We adore you!"  
I sigh and plop down in front of the mirror.  
I watch myself sign autographs for my millions of fans, then set out to count my Galleons and practice my impeccable smile with - gasp!- teeth that are even whiter than mine are now!  
You have to go back, a voice inside my brain tells me. But no, I reply, I can't tear myself away from marvelous, marvelous me...  
~*~  
Epilogue  
  
Nobody noticed when Gilderoy Lockhart didn't show up at breakfast the next morning.  
In fact, nobody noticed at all until he didn't come down for the fifth week in a row- or until he had missed so many classes that he would have to be held back for another second year. The teachers had assumed he was cutting class to practice his signature, but they only began to get worried after he had been gone over a month.  
Argus Filch had found him plastered to the Mirror of Erised when he went to get copies of "The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six"out of the storage room. Lockhart had been trying to hug his reflection while crying, "Yes! Yes! I know! I'm so wonderfully wonderful!"  
When he and the mirror were finally separated, Gilderoy's brain proved to be quite addled and he spent a week in the hospital wing recovering.  
The Mirror of Erised was then moved to a safer, more secure Gilderoy Lockhart-proof home.  
Gilderoy Lockhart's ego, however, had not deflated a bit.  
  
A/N: Hey, thanks for reading! Let me know if my writing's any good and review, please! Constructive critizisim is always welcome. 


End file.
